Fair Fighting in Marriage and Intimate Relationships: Rules to Love By
By Robert Steiner MS, M.Ed, JD
Introduction
Conflict is an inevitable aspect of any relationship, including marriages and intimate partnerships. The manner in which conflicts are handled can greatly affect the relationship's health and longevity. Engaging in fair fighting practices is essential for resolving disagreements constructively and maintaining a positive relationship dynamic. Research has shown that effective communication strategies, such as Active Constructive Responding (ACR), can help mitigate conflicts and enhance relationship satisfaction (Gable et al., 2004).
Unhealthy Forms of Arguing
Recognizing unhelpful forms of arguing is crucial for fostering a healthier communication environment:
- Ignoring the Problem: Avoiding discussion of issues prevents resolution and leads to unresolved resentment.
- Personal Attacks: Criticizing a partner’s character rather than addressing specific behaviors undermines trust and self-esteem.
- Blaming: Shifting responsibility to a partner rather than focusing on the issue fosters defensiveness and conflict.
- Criticizing: Pointing out flaws in a partner's character rather than discussing specific actions can lead to feelings of inadequacy.
- Name-Calling: Using derogatory terms erodes respect and exacerbates conflict.
- Defensiveness: Responding to complaints with justifications or counterattacks prevents constructive dialogue.
- Avoidance: Evading the conflict or avoiding discussion can prevent issues from being addressed effectively.
- Bringing Up Past Issues: Introducing unrelated past grievances shifts focus away from the current problem, complicating resolution.
- Showing Contempt: Displaying disdain or sarcasm undermines mutual respect and connection.
Principles for Constructive Conflict Resolution
Implementing effective principles for conflict resolution can help manage disagreements constructively. Here are revised guidelines to improve the quality of your arguments and negotiations:
1. Maintain Focus on the Present Issue: Address the current problem without introducing unrelated topics. This keeps discussions streamlined and more manageable.
2. Engage Openly in Dialogue: Make time for open and honest discussion. Fully engaging with each other ensures both partners feel heard and respected.
3. Express Your Feelings Clearly: Share your emotions to promote emotional intimacy and understanding. This helps both partners connect on a deeper level.
4. Listen Actively and Observe Nonverbal Cues: Allow each partner to speak without interruption and pay attention to nonverbal communication. This shows mutual respect and provides insight into each other’s feelings.
5. Respect Diverse Perspectives: Acknowledge and respect your partner’s views, even if you disagree. This promotes empathy and collaborative problem-solving.
6. Seek Compromise and Collaborative Solutions: Focus on finding mutually acceptable solutions rather than insisting on being right. This fosters cooperation and effective resolution.
7. Communicate Needs and Expectations: Be transparent about your needs, hopes, and goals for the future. Clear communication helps align expectations and reduces misunderstandings.
8. Prioritize Major Issues: Concentrate on the most significant concerns rather than getting sidetracked by minor issues. This ensures that critical problems are addressed effectively.
9. Choose Appropriate Times for Discussions: Select times when both partners are calm and focused for serious conversations. This improves the likelihood of a constructive outcome.
10. Take Breaks if Needed: If emotions escalate, take a pause to cool down before resuming the discussion. This helps prevent heated arguments and allows for more rational dialogue.
11. Avoid Stonewalling: Engage in the discussion rather than shutting down communication. This prevents feelings of isolation and maintains engagement.
12. Set Boundaries for Respectful Communication: Avoid yelling, degrading comments, or threats. Maintaining respect helps prevent further damage and keeps the focus on resolving the issue.
13. Own Your Part in the Conflict: Acknowledge your contributions to the disagreement and be willing to make adjustments. This shows accountability and fosters mutual understanding.
14. Manage Resentment Effectively: Address issues directly and move on rather than holding grudges. This helps prevent long-term resentment from affecting the relationship.
15. Avoid Assumptions and Ask Directly: Instead of making assumptions about your partner’s thoughts or feelings, ask for their perspective. This reduces misunderstandings and increases clarity.
16. Move Forward After Resolution: Once an issue is resolved, focus on the future and strengthen the relationship. Avoid dwelling on past conflicts to maintain a positive relationship dynamic.
Conclusion
Fair fighting is crucial for maintaining healthy and respectful relationships. By following these revised guidelines and avoiding harmful arguing techniques, couples can manage conflicts effectively, enhancing their relationship satisfaction and resilience.
References
- Fredrickson, B. L. (2001). The role of positive emotions in positive psychology: The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions. American Psychologist, 56 (3), 218. DOI: 10.1037/0003-066X.56.3.218.
- Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A., & Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87 (2), 228. DOI: 10.1037/0022-3514.87.2.228.
- Miga, E. M., Gdula, J. A., & Allen, J. P. (2012). Fighting fair: Adaptive marital conflict strategies as predictors of future adolescent peer and romantic relationship quality. Social Development, 21 (3), 446–460. DOI: 10.1111/j.1467-9507.2011.00636.x.
- Sanderson, C. A., & Karetsky, K. (2002). Intimacy goals and strategies of conflict resolution in dating relationships: A mediational analysis. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 19 (3), 317-337. DOI: 10.1177/0265407502193002.
For further information or to discuss any legal matters, please contact Attorney Robert Steiner at (205) 826-4421 or via email at robert@steinerfirm.com. Whether you have questions about this article or need personalized legal advice, he is available to assist you.
